“If the world was sucka
free, it would just be me and my n****s left” ---Bone Crusher (Judakiss). Never
Scared (Remix)
It seems that the hot topic for today’s American culture
is about weapons. Who is allowed to have them, and who should not be allowed to
have them. All the meanwhile the criminals are not a part of this discussion.
They are in fact opening their trunks and loading their tech-9’s and ready to
blast. The liberals are saying that the country would be a much safer place if
everyone laid down their weapons. The conservatives are saying, “make my day,
punk!” In the middle of all this, I decided to go get me a double cheeseburger
and frosty at the local Wendy’s joint.
“Yes, I’d like to get my
boy the Kid’s Meal with 10 piece chicken nuggets, please. For myself I’d like
the double cheeseburger with fries and a delicious soda. One more thing; I need
two vanilla frosties for me and the boy. Thank you”
“What would you like to
drink with the Kid’s Meal?”
“Oh, I forgot. He’ll take
chocolate milk.”
“Ok, Sir, your order
comes to $10.74”
And like that, me and my boy were about to eat some of
the best fast food, this side of Boulder Turnpike. We grabbed my drink cup and
proceeded to get me only Lafayette’s best Root Beer soda from the pop
dispensary. By the time I had picked up some napkins, some plastic silverware,
and ketchup, our food was professionally presented to us at the counter. I
think I even heard my name called with the utmost of enthusiasm.
As we sat down to eat, I got all of my boy’s food out of
the Kid’s Meal bag for him. I was really feeling guilty at this point for
subjecting my boy to such unhealthy American Eating, but then I realized
something: it comes with a toy, so we’re all good. My boy began eating his
nuggets. I opened his toy for him, and even chowed down on one of his fries. He
told me to stop eating his fries so as the good daddy that I was, I proceeded
to eat from only my own supply of fries. No stealing fries, today.
Not more than five minutes into our meal, I was wiping
off some delicious frosty off the bottom of my fattening lips, when I noticed
my boy was looking up at the ceiling. He came over to me and began to laugh. I
asked my boy what was so funny and that’s when he pointed at a section of the
ceiling just above the Cashier’s head.
“Look Daddy, there’s a
big spider”
And
holy shit he was right. It was the biggest spider that I had ever seen inside a
restaurant. I would say it was the biggest spider that I had seen in any indoor
situation. The boy of this this was fatter than two of my son’s chicken
nugget’s put together. I did my best to turn my son’s attention somewhere else.
“My boy, eat your lunch.
We have things to do today.”
Yet all the while I was keeping this spider in my site
and how to handle this in my mind. Should I go to the counter and tell someone
and risk pandemonium as everyone began to scream. Should I risk my own safety
by approaching the counter and having that spider jump at me? As it was, I was
staring at this creature and I could see that he was hanging on to a ledge in
on the ceiling, between two rafters, and was doing what looked like pull ups.
There’s a fucking spider in the Wendy’s, doing pull ups. I think shit is about
to go down.
Quietly I tell my boy to keep eating. We need to make our
exit. My plan is to get the boy into the car while I go to the trunk of the car
and get out only my most powerful Super Soaker water gun this side of the
Mississippi. He’s not having it, though. The boy wants to play with his toy,
and the spider is checking me out of the corner of at least 6 or 7 of his eyes.
I’m getting frantic at this point. I did what I had to do. I went out to the
car, and got my Soaker, both me and the boy.
When we returned, there was a huge commotion. Wendy’s
isn’t the place for a water fight, and none of the other kids were happy that
they didn’t bring in their own arsenal.
“Guys, we’re not here for
a water fight. There’s a huge freaking spider right above the cashier’s head.
Ma’am, move very slowly away from the register. It looks like that spider wants
a war.”
It was in that moment that the cashier began screaming.
Other customers were running outside. The manager was calling for the drive
through windows to be shut. The customers were all lying on the ground
screaming, and lamenting for the safety of their loved ones.
The queen of the damned jumped from her pull-up position,
and landed in a cup of the nearest customer’s bowl of chili. As the spider
leaped from the chili, it began to run towards the front door in an attempt to
break free. I soon realized that she had baby spiders also up in the rafters. I
began shooting them. Spiders were landing all over the place. They were in the
frosties, in the fries, in grown woman’s hair. I then saw that the Queen of the
Damned was looking towards me and extending her fangs from her mouth while her
front four legs reared from the ground. I exchanged a few words with her.
“Try it bitch! Watch me
blast all of your children to Frosty Heaven.
To my amazement she reared up on the rest of her hind
legs to show me her genitalia, as if to say, “Go ahead, I have the equipment to
make more of those little bastards”
And with that, she walked
right out the motherfucking door.
After all the Pandemonium was settled down, I decided to
ask the cashier a very important question. I could not rest my soul without
knowing.
“Ma’am, would it be ok
for us to get that chocolate milk now. You forgot it with our order.”
“Here, take three of them
and go with your water-soaker. Aren’t you a grown fucking man?”
“Fine, I’ll take my
chocolate milk then. Next time I’ll let the spider fall down into your hair and
laugh.”
The End
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