(Could You Be
Loved) What if I Don’t Need To Be Loved?
6/4/2015
I asked a smart ass question today. I asked a person of
the female sexual nature, “Could you love me?” What that immediately sounded
like to me was me asking, “Can you love me enough to cover the love that I
don’t have for myself?” Of course, I immediately felt vulnerable and pathetic
all at the same time. So really, what does it mean to be loved by a person of
the opposite sex? Surely I did not feel like I needed this individual person’s
love, for I have known her very long. I think I was asking the rhetorical
question of, “Why must I be loved”
I do a lot of reading of philosophy and poetry. I have
been reading giants like Ralph Waldo Emerson, and John Milton. I find that I
can relate to their writing in that I want to be the person that I can love,
not the person that somebody else can love. What happens if I lose that person?
What happens when (and there will be a when) that person’s love for me begins
to wane like the midnight sun setting down? My soul will be devastated because
the need for me to feel love or be loved will not be diminished by the outside
circumstances. If I depend solely on the love from an outside source, then I
will tire every day of the vacuum that is created when that love is void for
even five minutes.
What is the response then if I were to say, “Well I don’t
need love?” To me that sounds mighty brave in a world where we are expected to
be social beings and loneliness is a terror that artists, musicians, writers,
and actors talk about in their art, much more than any other subject. To deny
the need for love seems possible. But you also become victim to your own
bravery, because you also become hardened. You become emotionally unattached
which is ok if you don’t want to feel anything at all, to include hate, anger,
sadness, joy, peace, guilt and even frustration.
The idea of love then is not the battle; it’s the amount
of love and the way you love which is the true struggle that we all face. Now I
love my children. I also know that I can love them too much, or to an unhealthy
degree. If I refuse to take care of my own needs and overexpress love to my
offspring, which quickly becomes unhealthy. If I put my children on a throne,
it becomes wrong. I have to love in the sense of caring for and providing for,
but I also have to be able to say to them, “sit the hell down, stop talking,
and get ready for bed.” If I put anybody in front of my own needs forever, I
will slowly dwindle myself to a place where it is not even possible for me to
love anything.
Emerson wrote in his essay, The Over soul, that before a
person can be ok with anyone else, he must first be ok with himself. This may
take years of self-guided or forced isolation. A person must sometimes go
through this isolation before he can be fit for society. In fact, he may be a
sickness instead of a blessing to others if he hasn’t got this precept correct,
before he begins to love another.
One of the reasons I enjoy writing so much, is that it is
a huge vehicle for me getting into the mind of myself, and to conquer my
inadequacies while at the same time celebrating my strengths. I know my
thoughts. They are ever before me, but on a daily bases my thought betray who I
really am even to myself. I sometimes want to burry by head under a pillow and
think no more because all that floods my head are feelings and thoughts which I
have no idea from whence they flow.
Now when I write, it is as if I’m a Roman soldier,
nailing a criminal to the cross. Only I am the roman soldier and my thoughts
are laid upon Calvary. I’m able to examine where those thoughts come from, why
they have their being, and from which way they travel. I get to have fun and
develop ideas from other ideas from still more ideas. It is as if I’m an onion
and I’m only now learning why my thoughts can create tears my solace cheeks.
So could I be loved? Of course I can, by me. The danger
in realizing this is that I can then live a real selfish life because I’m
capable of pleasing myself to the highest of joys. I know what I do or don’t
want in my life of passions, desires, joys, and romance in activities. To be
honest, it would take another person only 5 minutes to fall quickly out of
rhythm with my wants where as I am always in rhythm. I have years to train
myself, and I have a track record of what I like and do not like.
Do I want other people to love me? Well I don’t enjoy
being despised, unless I am for some reason despised because I have found this
secret to self-love while you are continuing on your deplorable journey to find
someone in whom you can give permission to love you, when you should be doing
it in the first place (and much more know how).
Let me use my children as another example. If my son were
to one day steal my car, go rob a bank, and ruin other properties of mine, of
course I would be angry. Yet my very next emotion would be the desire to fix
and save him from the consequences of his own destruction. That’s why as a
parent, it’s best I curtail his/her behavior now, so as not to save only them
from heart break, but myself as well. I will forgive my children much more
quickly. Now if a lover were to somehow hurt my property, reputation, and or
time, I would be much more apt to say that they were without loyalty, and any
love that I would generate would be a love towards my own heart because now I
feel a wound from a person who at one point was a complete stranger, until I
gave them permission to be known to me. Now I will regret the displeasure of
knowing that person, and will immediately protect myself from further injury.
It is in the divine nature to reproduce, because the way
I see it, we are not all flesh, but contain a spirit that has no end, and a
mind that can think amazing things. When I see my children, I actually see the
mirror image of myself. I see who I was before life made a mess of me, and I’ll
do my best to prolong the inevitable when life will eventually take hold of my
kids. That’s why I feel there is unconditional love that only exists between me
and my children, and me and my creator. So if I ask a female, “Can you love
me”, the answer will always be a resounding “not in the completest of terms,
yet consider that a god-send”.
These are just my
thoughts on love. I still love to kiss, cuddle, and have relations with someone
of the opposite sex.
No comments:
Post a Comment